Just like you, maybe if I were you, I’d leave me too.
I’m grateful if you’re still here. But even if you leave, I won’t be surprised. Because, just like you, maybe if I were you, I’d leave me too.
Many people say that I’m not easy to approach. Not just because it’s difficult, but because I feel like there’s nothing interesting about me. On the other hand, I realize some points that make me more valuable, like being independent, not relying on anyone for my life, and taking responsibility for my own life. Although, I don’t think those things necessarily make me appealing to others. My independence, my ability to handle everything on my own, makes it seem like I don’t need anyone in this life. Perhaps that’s why no one sees anything interesting about me, about my life.
It doesn’t mean that there haven’t been one or two people trying to get close to me. Trying their luck to love me. Or just wanting to get to know me. Some people managed to take a place in some corners of my heart, which then overflowed everywhere from that little point. Perhaps initially they felt challenged by me, the indifferent me, who seemed not to need anyone, like an object that would give satisfaction to those who succeeded in melting me. I realize, that when someone manages to disarm me, instantly I become a foolish human, willingly sacrificing, and suddenly becoming like someone incapable of doing anything on their own. Because for me, being together seems more appealing.
When someone manages to render me helpless, I’ll think about how to make all of this last forever. Eternal. I’ll ponder how to keep them from getting bored with the same routines. I’ll think about how to be pleasant enough to make them feel that looking towards me is a decision never to be regretted. On one hand, my mind also works hard thinking about the bad things that might happen. Will they like it if I do this? Will they get angry if I do that? Will they keep looking towards me? What if they get bored? What if they get angry? What if they want to run away? What if this all ends?
The questions that always arise when someone manages to render my heart helpless, I realize that this is the source of my chaos. All these excessive negative thoughts slowly but surely start to erode both my self-confidence and their trust. When everything fails and ends, I realize again that it’s me who makes myself unpleasant, and boring, and makes others angry. All the fears, the world full of suffering, are created by the contents of my own mind, slowly killing it, killing the feelings that exist, and ultimately killing me.
Once again, I never felt that there was nothing interesting about me. So if someone wants to catch my attention, I feel something is off, something is wrong, someone is playing games. The foolishness that I consciously understand, belittling myself. But for me, thinking like this will save me from the disappointment of the world.
Just like you, maybe if I were you, I’d leave me too. It’s too complicated to understand what’s in my head, to understand what’s in my heart.
So, if this time you’re leaving, go slowly. I know, I’m the one causing you to leave.
But if you choose to stay, thank you. Stay a little longer and help me learn to love myself, so that I can love you in the right way.
